Member Since: November 10, 2014
Membership status: Member
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I’m sorry that this might seem random, but I just can’t do it anymore. There’s too much negativity in my life and too much stress and pressure and I think it stems from this.
I have met some amazing people through this fandom, but I allowed it to control every piece of my life and it just isn’t healthy. I tried backing off before, but it just didn’t work out, because it was right there and I felt drawn to it. But last night everything came to a head and I realized that I just can’t do it anymore. I have to leave. For my own health, for my personal and family life, I have to.
Writing hasn’t been fun for awhile. I took a break for awhile to step back from it and my dependence on the feedback I would get to help create a sense of self worth that I just didn’t have anymore. The day I felt like writing again and sat down and began to type out the next chapter of one of my stories, was the morning I got the call saying my grandfather had died. Suddenly and unexpectedly after he had survived from an 18 month ordeal with near-death and come out on the other side. He had not been suffering. He was gaining back weight, moving around on his own, driving himself places, and making jokes. He got a flu bug and then his heart just - gave out. I’m not blaming writing, but honestly, I don’t see myself enjoying it again because of that connection it now makes in my mind. And having things sitting unfinished and people left waiting just… Stresses me out. So that part is done.
And honestly… I’m just tired. There is so much fighting and so much negativity and even tho there is beauty and friendship as well, it just has managed to stop balancing out for me. I’m happier when I don’t check tumblr for a few days.
I’m going to be a better mama. A better wife. A better daughter. I’m not saying those things are impossible to be while keeping tumblr or a fandom lifestyle - just that it is for me. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t have the strength to balance it, so I’m choosing things that make me happy.
Thank you all for being such a huge and important stage in my life. I don’t regret joining and meeting anyone, I just recognize that it is time to go.